Guest Post by BabyGearMama's partner in crime & BFF- MilkTruckMama Erica
*Disclaimer: These are my reflections on breastfeeding and being a working mother. In no way am I trying to condemn anyone for making another decision, but in order to write this blog I need to be honest and tell you like it is from my perspective.***
I am sitting here at work just having finished one of many pumping sessions. They say breastfeeding is easy, well I am here to tell you that whomever said that was either crazy, or a liar! Ok, not really a liar, but let me tell you the rest of the story. The true story of a working, breastfeeding mother.
I worked very hard to establish my breastfeeding relationship with my daughter, as I had HELLP syndrome and my dear daughter was born 6 weeks early. That is a whole other story, but just to bring you up to speed, my daughter started off purely on formula and we transitioned through nursing and supplementing to just nursing. I am not one of those moms who condemns formula or formula-feeding mothers. Formula saved my little girl’s life as I was unable to feed her. I think each mom (or dad) should get to choose what is best for them, weighing all of the information. For me, it was really important to nurse. It was what I had planned on, what I had envisioned, and I can tell you that NOTHING else about my delivery was anything that I had planned for or expected, so I tried really hard. I wanted to control something, so I did everything I could to breastfeed my baby. I met with the lactation consultant, read books and went to every breastfeeding support group I could. After about 2 months I had finally done it…I could say my daughter was exclusively breastfed.
I mean that. Breastfeeding is real work. In the beginning I was exhausted all of the time. I literally got out of bed only to take my daughter out of her Pack n Play to change her, feed her, and then lay her back down. My mom brought me food in my bed. I rarely left my room. I can’t tell you whether that is because I was so ill and healing (I think that this was at least a contributing factor), or if it was just normal nursing exhaustion, or just normal mom exhaustion. I am positive those formula-feeding moms are exhausted in the beginning too!
Breastfeeding is easy? I’m not sure about that. Sure, when I’m home on the weekends it’s much more convenient. I don’t have to make or clean any bottles, I can feed baby whenever she is hungry, if she needs more to eat I can give her more, assuming that I’m drinking like a gallon of water a day and eating an extra 500 calories more than I normally should that is. As any new mom can attest to, remembering to eat can be excruciatingly difficult, not to mention I can promise you when I have to choose between eat and sleep, sleep almost always wins. Oh yeah, sleep. See if you don’t sleep (ha, ha, ha…what new mom sleeps?) then your body doesn’t make milk as efficiently and effectively as it should.
If I don’t do those things and she wants more, it is terribly difficult, as I switch her back and forth from one side to another waiting for the extra ounce to “let down” and feed her what she needs. Not to mention trying to figure out how to hold your little one so that he or she can latch in the beginning is all but intuitive. But even all the exhaustion and pain (sometimes literal when baby decides to tug and pull and even bite you with her vice grip-like jaws) has got nothing on pumping. But it is easy at times. When I take my daughter somewhere I rarely think about whether or not she needs to eat. I know if she gets hungry then I will just feed her. No worry of not having enough bottles packed, or heating up the bottle…in that way, breastfeeding is easier. But sometimes, it is not easier.
After a rough start and a second surgery this summer I got a visit from someone. That’s right everyone’s favorite aunt came back to town after 4 months. I thought that was one of the benefits of breastfeeding, but for me, alas Aunt Flo came back and she stole my milk. I had worked so hard to wean my little girl off of formula and to get her to breastfeed exclusively and now hormones had dealt me a blow. Now when I was home in the summer it wasn’t much of an issue. I could make just enough milk to keep her satisfied. Once I went back to work, however, things changed. The pump is not nearly as effective as a baby, and I was starting to pump short every day and go through the stash I had worked so hard to create. So I had to call my doctor, begging, for the one thing I thought might help—Reglan. Yes, I have low prolactin levels so I have to take medicine in order to keep my supply up. It is not the breastfeeding that I envisioned, but it’s still breastfeeding.
See, I work. That’s right, I work outside the home. I know some of you right now are thinking if I really loved my daughter I would stay home, but unfortunately that’s not a reality for me right now, although I long for the day that I can stay at home. Because I choose to continue breastfeeding my daughter, while working, I get to experience the joys of pumping.
My pump and I have a love-hate relationship. I love my pump because it allows me to give my daughter a little something of me while I am away from her at work. I love that I can pass on my immunities so she doesn’t get sick when I come down with that nasty cold from the kid in my class. I love that she knows I’m there and caring for her when I am not physically present. *
What I don’t love is waking up 20 minutes early to make sure that I can pump an extra bottle since yesterday I didn’t make enough milk to cover for the day. What I don’t love is sitting at my desk, breasts pinched into small tubes, watching them move in and out, thinking about missing my daughter, yearning for just another ounce, another drop of milk to fill the bottle. I don’t love that instead of being able to do work during my planning periods, I am pinned to my desk trying to tell my body to make more milk by pumping yet again. Pumping moms also have this fear that they will run out of milk, so I try and try to build extra milk to “stash” in the freezer (in case the war pops off I guess?) I don’t know why, but it is a real fear. My least favorite part of the day…when traffic is horrible and they can’t hold my daughter off from eating that 4:30/5:00 feeding because then I have to go home, look at my daughter, and pump yet again to tell my body that it needs to make more milk. The more I think about it, the more I stress about it and the cycle continues.
Something else that isn’t the best…traveling without baby! Picture this, you’re in Las Vegas, baby is safe at home with daddy…relaxing, right? Wrong! You see I had to wake up at 1am every night for five days before I left to try to pump enough milk to keep baby fed for the days I was gone. I had already gone through my first stash when I had surgery, so I had to stock up, and fast! Try feeding a baby and trying to create a stash in less than a week…that my friends is stressful! Giving her formula wasn’t something I was necessarily strongly against; I just knew she wasn’t going to like it. She had become accustomed to mommy milk. Once I was in Vegas for the conference I had to continue to pump every 2-3 hours to keep my supply up so I could continue to feed her when I got home. See my milk was starting to decrease so I had to make sure I could maintain it for when I returned to my sweet little girl. Not to mention that the assholes at the Riviera Hotel wouldn’t let me pump anywhere but the bathroom lounge. That wasn’t at all disgusting and degrading! But I had to do it. The good news is, when I returned (through security) I had 90 ounces of breast milk with me, so I had re-established quite a stash for the freezer. This ended up being a good thing since my husband used every single bag of milk that was in the house while I was gone.
But I know that this is all just temporary. Soon she will wean and I will miss the nursing sessions when she wraps her little hand around my thumb while she’s eating. I will miss when she is scared and needs reassurance and all I have to do is nurse her to tell her that everything is going to be ok. I will miss the times, snuggled into our glider, listening to her sweet little suckling sounds. Soon it will all be over…so I keep pumping. Off to drink another 32 ounces (and take my Reglan)! Thanks for reading.
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