Today at the gym I heard two older women talking in the locker room. They were talking about someone who recently miscarried and how she and her husband decided to send an email out to all their friends and families about her loss. One woman was saying, "I'm not sure why she needed to tell EVERYONE about this. It's a private matter". Really??? I couldn't help thinking. Why is it a private matter? If this woman wants to share her story with others why can't she? When did it become a "faux pas" to tell people that she was expecting a child and early on, the baby passed away. It's still a trauma for that mother and father. It's still a loss. Not matter how early on. Infertility or pregnancy loss is like a giant elephant in the room. You know it's there. You don't talk about it or point it out. If you don't make eye contact maybe it will just walk away. And after it does, you don't bring it up because maybe the elephant will come back. Well to me, that's not really fair for anyone.
I have known my fair share of women who have gone through a similar trauma but it was never made public to me until I shared with them that we had our own loss. I have known people who keep it a secret but also people who decided to be very public about it and send even a letter or a mass email or however they decide to tell people. To me, I think that is part of the healing process. When we lost our little one in March 2011, I felt that people did not want me to tell anyone about this. I heard comments about how this is something that is private and they didn't want to share it with anyone and I should just not do that (no offense to my family or friends if they are reading this - everyone was very supportive but it was just kind of a silent issue). Well, why? Why can't women talk about it? Can we only share our stories when we are in therapy or a church setting? Do we have to wait until October 15th to remember our child? Even my husband never brought it up after the fact. For him, I know he knows it made me sad and I know he didn't want that. But today for whatever reason, I can't help thinking about her. I guess I'm choosing to write about it here because I know not a lot of people read this and I think all hell would break loose if I ever posted anything directly on facebook for all 625 or whatever people would see it. God Forbid I make a public statement. People would be calling my parents and my in laws or mentioning it to my husband. Why oh why is that woman sharing her feelings? I guarantee there would be other women who would share my feelings and join in silent prayer on October 15th with me but again, that is a public forum and we can't talk about such things in public. I would hate to offend anyone in my healing process. I have family and friends who have been through similar and yet drastically different losses and I guess I just want them to know that I will pray for their little one too. Which is funny because I'm not an overly religious person and I don't pray a lot but when it comes to this subject, I guess I can make an exception.
It's been over a year since my little girl was supposed to be born on September 11, 2011. Since then we have welcomed another girl into the world and we cannot be happier but I can't help but think about the little angel that we lost. I refer to "her" as a girl because well, let's face it.... we make girls. We have three so I assume the little one was a girl too. In my head, she has a name which I never shared with anyone. I'm sure some people would think that is silly since we were only 12 weeks along but not to me. I was still having a child. I was in even in maternity clothes.... took belly pics because let's face it, I was showing with my third child. To some people it probably wasn't a big deal, but not to me.... not to her mom.
I just put my third daughter who is almost 9 months old down for a nap and cuddled with her for a bit. I can't imagine my life without her. I know God works in weird ways and does things for a reason which is kind of crazy thing to think about and if you ever say that to someone who just lost a pregnancy or infant they would probably secretly be VERY mad at you. I remember someone said that to me and I was not really very thrilled with the statement. It made it worse.
So if you reading this, don't go calling my parents and tell them that I'm off my rocker. I'm just kind of having a sad day and I needed to write this down and then be done with it. I never shared this with anyone else and this is the only way I know how without causing a fuss. My other girls will be home soon and it will be business as usual in my household. Happy Mom. Happy Mom. Happy Mom.
So this October 15th, say a prayer for all the little ones who were born sleeping or who we never got to meet. Say a prayer for my little girl in heaven. And I'll say a prayer for yours.
I'm a BabyGear Mama and I am a mom of FOUR little girls. Three have feet here on Earth and one has wings in Heaven.
Okay, enough of the sap. My girls are home. Time for some fun.
Happy Baby Thoughts.
:)R
Very well said Rebecca! I am one of those who is very public about it, put it on facebook, and can talk about it in regular conversation. And like you, I will go on to have another one; and after loosing 2. They were devastating, but I know it happened for a reason and can't wait to meet this next bundle of joy. I also have my very sad days were I remember the events of the miscarriages but then I remember my other 1.5 kids and know how blessed I still am!
ReplyDeleteLaura - :) I was hoping you would respond. I thought of you while I wrote it. I really appreciated that you shared your story with everyone because most people just don't. It's not the thing to do. I am so happy for you guys. :) we will have to get the cousins together for a giant playdate again when we come visit. Thanks for reading my story :) Love you guys.
DeleteR
Very well written Rebecca! As a woman who has 13 angels looking down at me I can relate. There are times when I look at my 1 precious miracle and think to myself would I ever have gotten to know this perfect child if I had given up or better yet had not miscarried all those times. People did not want to hear about my story but I told it anyways. Each pregnancy teaches us something weather it goes full term or not. I am a better person for all my pregnancies but hope to be a perfect mom to my one miracle child.
DeleteI agree with what you said. With my first miscarriage, I sent a mass email to let everyone know (I was so excited about being pregnant that I told everyone right away, not waiting the 12 weeks or so that most people do). I was grieving too much to say it to everyone over and over at the time, and email was the best way for me. Then with the second miscarriage, it was as if people didn't know how to talk to me. People tried to avoid any sort of baby topic when around me. When I confronted my sister about this silence, she admitted that she and most of the women around us had never had a miscarriage and just didn't know what to say. I understand that... I remember getting angry when some kind friend sent flowers - I screamed at my husband: "It's like a cruel joke. Flowers die, too!" So perhaps most people around us feel like maybe it's safe to let us come forward?? Which is why I did become vocal about what I went through after I went through my own grieving process. I hope that by me being vocal about it, if it happens to someone I know, they will talk to me about it so I can be there for them. And I do think about those two babies from time to time now that I have two here with me. I hope to see them some day again :)
DeleteThanks for posting this, Becky!