I like to talk. I've always liked to talk. Pretty much anyone can tell you that. But I don't talk as much as some people I have met. Especially in strange places..... like Target. I swear I am a magnet for people. It's probably because I make eye contact... or my kids are just too darn cute to ignore and people feel the need to tell me their life stories. I was in Target yesterday in of course the best place on earth to strike up a conversation; The Sippy Cup Aisle. I can't tell you how many trips I've spent staring at sippy cups. We have had HUNDREDS of cups over the years. Yesterday, I met a woman who had a little child... probably about 10 months old so of course they decided to go to Target to get a sippy cup. She was nicely dressed. I looked like a hobo - seriously, a real hobo. Hadn't showered, wearing some sort of workout pants. Thank goodness I was wearing a bra. My hair was a big mess. I had on sunglasses. And not the good kind. I could tell right off the bat, that she was one of "those moms". She worked. OUTSIDE THE HOME. Can you believe it??? The nerve of her to go outside her home and put her child in daycare. I'm kidding of course. I have the utmost respect for mothers who work outside of their home but that is for another paragraph.
This woman was carefully looking at all of the labels on the cups. Checking prices and looking at the back for hopefully some sort of magic button to say "buy me" or "this won't leak". Then it hit me... she's going to talk to me. My youngest bean was trying to crawl out of the cart and had of course her sippy cup with her... a boring Playtex normal bottle with the normal annoying plastic insert in it. This woman looks at me and says "Do you like those bottles?". I said "yep, we do. I've tried them all and we keep going back to these. They are insulated (if you really can have an actually insulated sippy cup) and they don't leak which I like. She has been using them for a while." And of course for those of you who are wondering, we do use those Playtex annoying cups with the insert. We replace them every once in a while or when I forget to take them out of the van and there is coagulated milk in there and starts to smell to high heaven... but yes, I like them. "We get the ones with the handles on them first... probably those would be better for your little one" I say to her. She pauses and replies, "Oh... do you get to stay home with your kids???" My first thought was pinned on the word "GET" but I replied "yes, I do stay home with my three kids"... I do not have a job outside of running my own Fortune 500 company within the walls of my house....I could tell she was having a bad day. She was all dressed up, her kid looks like she was crying, she might have been crying. She said that she recently went back to work, but had to take the day off because her little one had an ear infection... her 3 year old was at day care. I felt kind of sad for her. Then she says "oh, I really wish I could stay home, it would be just so much easier and I would get much more stuff done. It would be great. All I want to do is stay home but I have to go back to work." Now don't get me wrong, I am very blessed to be able to have the option to stay home. Perhaps this woman does not have that luxury. I could tell in her eyes that for her, this is what she had to do. Now it was kinda awkward at this point. Luckily my littlest bean had to try and throw her body outside the cart because she dropped her cup and Power Bar (no judging please, she is my third) so I decided to move onto the next aisle after I said something nice to her and we parted ways. Then I started to think..........this lady thinks that staying home is easier. Wow, that's insane. And maybe in her situation, she is right. Maybe it was easier for her to stay home than to do what she does, which who knows what that is. Then I started to think about what my life would be like if I had kept that job as an insurance underwriter 7 years ago. Would I have as many kids? Would I be happy? I got home and put the bean to bed and looked at my kitchen. Wow, looks like a bomb went off. Wonder if that lady's kitchen looks like this. It probably doesn't. It's probably perfect.
I always knew I would stay home once I had kids. I told the company I worked for that I was coming back after my maternity leave, but I really knew that I wasn't (sorry guys if you are reading this - I lied - and I knew it). I made it less than 4 hours after the first day of day care and gave my notice. I was done. I couldn't do it. My husband wanted me to make it a week but of course I didn't. I worked three weeks and it was the worst three weeks of my life. But sometimes, I think about how AWESOME it would be to be able to step outside my mommy-body and do the job that I used to love doing. I would actually get a MENTAL BREAK. I could use the brain that I was given for something other than cleaning up after my kids, making meals, figuring out how to fix the Rainbow Loom after its been dropped a few times, find that Go Go My Walking Pup that literally walked away (true story), or get a stain out of a shirt. I wouldn't feel like my four years of a very expensive college education went to waste. I would talk to people about something other than poop for a few hours. How great would that be??????? A day without poop. I would have to re-learn the word "bathroom" because I swear I now always refer to it as "potty". Even when I go out with my husband, I excuse myself to "go potty". Sounds like heaven right about now as my children are pulling on me and demanding things from me... ALL... DAY.... LONG... WITH...NO... END...IN...SIGHT.. oh I really wish I could have a job outside the home and talk to adults and do adult things and not sing My Little Pony songs all day long. If only that were true. A friend of mine just put her last kid in first grade and just took an unexpected job as a librarian at our elementary school. Wow how I envy her. She gets to think. And help kids learn about reading. And most of the kids are not her own. Score.
If I worked outside the home, this would be my life:
- my kitchen would be spotless because there are no children home to mess it up
- my laundry would be done because i would have a cleaning lady to clean my house so i would have time to do the laundry
- i would only say the word poop twice a day. Once before work and once after work.
- i would use the word "bathroom" instead of "potty"
- i would not feel like i want to jump off of a cliff sometimes when my children are acting up all day long and driving me insane
- i would have a better memory and not forget things all the time
- my husband and I would have a better relationship because we have things to talk about beside the children
- i would be more rested
- i would be less stressed
- i would not have sticky floor
- i would feel like i am not just a mom-machine. A uterus used for breeding. i would have a place in society and i would be giving back. i would be important to someone else beside this tiny little army that i have created. i would be needed
- i would be a better mom, wife and friend
The woman I met at Target would probably think that this would be her life:
- my kitchen would be clean because i would have tons of time to stay home and clean it
- my laundry would be done because i would be able to do it at home when i wanted
- i would work out every day and have a rock hard body b/c i could work out
- my kids would eat a home cooked meal every day and we would be more healthy because i had the time and the energy to cook great meals that i read about online
- i would spend quality time with my children and be able to nurture them and watch them grow and we would love every minute we spend together and just play puzzles and do bubbles and watch Dora. it would be so much fun.
- i would be more rested
- i would be less stressed
- my husband would appreciate what i do
- i would get everything done on my list and be a more productive person
- i would not feel rushed to get things done
- i would not be so tired when i get home at the end of the day and could spend time with my husband and my children all day long
- i would be a better mom, wife and friend
I pretty much think both of those lists are full of crap. Neither of them is really true. As someone who stays "at home" full time, I rarely get my list done, I rarely work out EVERY day, I rarely get the laundry all done, food cooked, kitchen clean. We don't eat that much healthier because I don't have to go to another job. This is just not true. I go through the same thing in the morning that mothers who leave the house to go to another job do - they still have to get kids on the bus and take kids to daycare and make lunches, pack bags, get kids dressed, fight about brushing hair, brushing teeth etc, but then I don't actually have to show up to another job. I'm here. At home. Some days are better than others. Some days I actually can GET stuff done however lately, it does not happen because having an almost 2yo in the house makes life a little more difficult. My "free time" turns into hours on end driving around the streets of my town... picking people up, dropping people off, mailing things, paying bills, going to doctors appointments, going to the grocery store. Some people may think that I have tons of time to myself to get my lists done, however when you look at the bottom line, when you add up the time I have no children in my care, I really only have about 24 minutes to do things that I want to do. I feel like I'm constantly in the car. I have three kids in three different schools with three different schedules. And what about that paperwork that is building up on my desk? When do we have time for that? I have no idea how people who work outside the home have time for that stuff. They go to work, come home and have to be super mommy.. they have to put on a happy mom smile and go on with their "other job" as mom...they are exhausted and worn out and the last thing they want to do is go online and sign up for things or call a company or pay a medical bill.
Some days I would love to just get in the car and go to work and drop off my kids at school or daycare or wherever but no. This is my life. It's exhausting and sometimes thankless. But I'm pretty sure the lady who is on the other end of the spectrum feels the same way about her job. Exhausting and thankless. She is not only a full time job holder person but also a full time mom as well. See... there are no such thing as Stay At Home Moms and Working Moms. We are all stay at home moms and we are all working moms. Do you really think that mom who has to go to work and take her child to day care actually STOPS being a mom? I guarantee that her mind is NEVER EVER EVER for a second, off of her children. When she is rating a policy or talking to a student or ringing up someone for a purchase, in the back of her head, she is thinking of her child. She is not really at work, she is really still with her child, wherever they may be.
My BFF is a school teacher and a new mom. I must say this to her: I salute you. You are my hero. Luckily she has family to watch her little Doodlebug (but she will soon go to daycare) but wow... this just must be hard for her... and I'm learning slowly just how much it weighing down on her. She teaches all day with kids who are challenging her every second. She uses her brain to educate other people's children (she's a saint, right???). She works long and hard hours and then comes home and has to be super mommy. When I was in school, I really wanted to be a teacher. I LOOOOOVED the thought of that. I envy this woman for getting her Masters and being the best teacher she can be, but now she has a new role of being the best super hero teacher/mommy/wife/friend that she can be. I know it is taking a toll on her but she loves doing it and does it well. I'm pretty sure she looks out of her classroom and envisions a life with her Doodlebug... just the two of them swinging on a playground, not having to go to school each day and just spending time with her. They can cuddle each day and watch Dora. Maybe learn a new song or take a class together. Luckily, I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I stay home and eat bon bons and play with puzzles and bubbles all day (by the way I hate that analogy - do they actually still sell Bon Bons???). She knows that I don't lay down and sleep for 3 hours (well....I have done that before but not lately). She knows the challenges that I face and I in-turn know the challenges that she faces. Recently she told me about having to pump at work and the separation anxiety that her daughter is starting to feel. And the unimaginable guilt she feels in leaving her daughter. Will she walk when she is at work? Will she miss her first word? With both "types" of mothers.... there are pros and cons. I guess the hard part is finding what's best for your family and what will make YOU the better person.
As for me, I guess my place is at home for now. I'm trying every day to not give the SAHM a bad name and I try to make the best out of my days...except some days are much harder. I think my husband asked me the question (So what exactly did you do all day????) and I didn't talk to him for a week. I think now he realizes that you really can't get anything done at home with a 20m old child in the house unless she is unconscious. And the older children are not much easier as they are constantly into things, asking questions and being kids. My lovely little bean has this new very annoying habit of making me come sit next to her wherever she is and pulls on my arm constantly regardless if I'm in the bathroom, in the kitchen cooking, cleaning or just standing. She pulls on me and says "ca ca ca ca ca ca ca ca" until she is blue in the face which means "Come now or I will annoy you until you fall over". She is super sweet but I really need to get this girl to start using full words so we can communicate. Until then, I just need to realize that NOTHING WILL GET DONE but for now, that is okay. I look forward to the days where all my kids are out of diapers and can talk in full sentences and maybe then, I can be the SAHM that people think about in the stereotype. I look forward to the day where I really CAN sit on the couch and eat a whole container of ice cream and let my household run itself. Until then, we keep on doing what we are doing and keeping our kids alive.
The grass is always greener. But truthfully, I don't really think it is. You just think it is because being a mom - no matter what kind of mom - is pretty darn hard.
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